Tuesday, 6 January 2009

Tommy Sheridan: an uphill battle


Grim news from the world of entertainment: Tommy Sheridan is struggling in the Celebrity Big Brother house.

Bookies have revealed Tommy Sheridan is proving "as popular as the plague" with Big Brother punters. Sheridan and singer Mutya Buena are proving the least endearing Celebrity Big Brother contestants.

The former Sugababes singer and the firebrand former politician had both been quoted at 25/1 to win the Channel 4 show. But Ladbrokes have had to push their prices out to 33/1 and 40/1 respectively.

Spokesman Robin Hutchison said: "Tommy and Mutya are about as popular as the plague at the moment. We didn't expect a politician to set the heather on fire with the punters, but we're not sure what Mutya has done."

Times are tough for Tommy; as if it wasn't bad enough that he lost his job with Talk 107 last year, there is still the possibility of a perjury action on his horizon, and he could now be without sunbeds and whores for an entire fortnight. So it gives me no pleasure to report that the fellow inmates in this gaudy freakshow don't seem to have the first fucking clue why he's there:

Worse still for Sheridan is the revelation that his fellow housemates have been struggling to remember who he is. Singer LaToya Jackson and 2ft 8in actor Verne Troyer, who played Mini Me in the film Austin Powers, failed to recognise him.

They sat discussing the housemates, and after Sheridan left the room, Michael Jackson's sister asked Troyer: "Who was he?"

The 40-year-old actor replied: "I want to say 'Michael'."

This is a far cry from the glory days when George Galloway was on the show; far from being an unknown moustachioed comedy figure from the fringes of the kleptomaniac Left, as he was unfairly caricatured by capitalist lickspittles such as your scribe, Gorgeous revealed that he was in reality the most famous person on the programme:

"If we're talking about worldwide fame, I should be number one. Almost every Muslim in the world - that's one and a half billion people - knows who I am."

Tommy Sheridan may be Scotland's second most famous lefty, then, but clearly after No.1 there's a real big fucking drop-off.

In fairness to the Tango-hued trot, though, he has been on the barricades since Mini-Me was still in short trousers [could you find a less offensive analogy for the second draft of this post, please - Ed]. And the only reason anyone can still identify LaToya Jackson is because she goes to a different plastic surgeon from her brother; at least Tommy's the most famous person in his family.

Either way, Tommy faced down Mrs Thatcher and won; so he's unlikely to get too upset about being dissed by a midget and a child molester's wee sister [that's it; you're fired - Ed] . But it does appear, at this point, that Scottish socialists have a strictly limited appeal to the great British voting public at large, and the Tory is much more likely to win that vital 18-35 demographic. All of which leads me to suspect there won't be a general election in 2009 after all.

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// posted by Mr Eugenides on 6.1.09
Comments:
so he's as popular as the Scot gordon brown then, is that what you mean?

or do you mean the chancellor or the speaker or...or...or

OR......BLAIR ( but then he was Edinburgh, so that doesn't count)

# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 06 January 2009 18:15
 
ps to the above:

talking of tony...where is he?
doesn't he realise he's a middle east peace envoy?
has anyone told him there is a wee bit of a barney going on out there?
what is he waiting for?....instructions from the white house when he collects his poodle of the year award ( sorry....presidential medal of freeedom) from that bush chap on the 13th?

# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 06 January 2009 18:27
 
Its all the fault of MI5 according to Tommy....

# posted by Blogger Fidothedog : 06 January 2009 18:52
 
I can't fault your reasoning.

Whatever it was.

# posted by Blogger Obnoxio The Clown : 06 January 2009 19:07
 
I've always thought of Tommy Sheridan as George Galloway's Mini-Me, so to have him in a house with the actual Mini-Me is confusing.

At least they've made Tommy feel at home by putting him in a bedroom with a mixed sex group of complete strangers.

# posted by Anonymous Ross : 06 January 2009 22:11
 
I'd be willing to bet that Verne Troyer and LaToya Jackson couldn't recognise Brown, Sarkozy, Prince Charles or Arsene Wenger either. Hell, they probably barely recognise each other.

# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 06 January 2009 23:36
 
I suspect it was Mrs Gail Sheridan's idea to put darling husband Tommy into the Big Brother House. Now all she has to do is switch on the telly to check what the baldest swinger in town is up to.

# posted by Anonymous Rhadamant : 07 January 2009 11:37
 
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