Monday, March 24, 2008
Full moon, empty head
Mr Eugenides is, to his perpetual astonishment, single - despite the legions of female readers who email in for dates after seeing the pouting baby at the top of this page and assuming (quite erroneously, I assure you) that your scribe will be equally as cute when they meet him in the flesh.
Which is why I tend, despite myself, to find myself reading articles like this, and then immediately wonder why I bothered:
Brits take an average of 22 dates, three one-night stands and three long-term relationships before settling down, says a new poll. Couples revealed how long it had taken to find The One for entertainment website BT PodShow.
No, I've never heard of "entertainment website BT PodShow" either. Nor will I be Googling it - and don't you, either. That's just what the cunts want.
Some needed as many as 50 dates with potential partners. And nine per cent reckon it takes at least ten one-night stands.
This is irresistible logic. If at first you don't find love, bang as many random women as possible until you do. Great work, BT PodShow. I trust there's a link to Marie Stopes on your website.
Talking regularly and an active sex life were what people were looking for. Poor personal hygiene, no sense of humour and being bad in bed were the biggest turn-offs, the poll found.
People don't like shagging people who smell? I mean, honestly, could this get any more boilerplate? The answer, astonishingly, is yes:
The good news for those still searching is this weekend is the best chance of the year to banish those single days.
Oho, this is looking up. Why?
Relationship expert Jo Hemmings said: "The four-day Bank Holiday gives us double the free time of a normal weekend, so double the chances to enjoy ourselves and find love. And the onset of spring, a full moon and an abundance of chocolate Easter eggs will all play their part."
I'm reminded of Woody Allen's immortal endorsement of bisexuality: that it doubles your chance of a date on a Saturday night. Jo Hemmings' advice is rather less profound; plenty of spare time + plenty of chocolate = plenty of sex. By that rationale, those lucky bastards in the cancer ward at the Western General are presumably getting laid all the fucking time.
What is a "relationship expert", anyway? Surely, by definition, someone who is an "expert" in relationships must have had loads of them, right? Which doesn't exactly bode well for an article on how to, er, succeed in relationships. Would you trust a heart surgeon who was a "medical negligence expert"?
Whatever: thanks, BT PodShow and Jo Hemmings: you've reminded me that if there's one thing worse than being single, it's being a gibbering fucking idiot.
Labels: Idiotarians, Random observations, Sex
Comments:
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"People don't like shagging people who smell?"
When you look at the range of bizarre human sexuality, especially on the web, I wouldn't be very surprised to find some that did....
When you look at the range of bizarre human sexuality, especially on the web, I wouldn't be very surprised to find some that did....
I'm sure I read somewhere that a depressingly large percentage of women say they prefer chocolate to sex, so giving her a choccy egg could be counterproductive if the intention is really to "give her one"... :-(
Full moon, empty head - "Mr Eugenides is, to his perpetual astonishment, single"
"Silent diplomacy" - "soon it'll be back to getting your dinner made and your dicks sucked, just like before."
Could the latter statement, revealing as it may a certain world-view, explain the former...? ;-)
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"Silent diplomacy" - "soon it'll be back to getting your dinner made and your dicks sucked, just like before."
Could the latter statement, revealing as it may a certain world-view, explain the former...? ;-)
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