Today’s papers make horrendous reading for Kirkcaldy’s finest, and glorious laughter-fodder for the rest of us. Assailed from left and right, Eurosceptic and Europhile, everyone and his wife is queuing up to give the one-eyed bandit a hearty kicking. Downing Street may dismiss it as a “fuss about nothing”, but the truth is that Gordon has once again displayed the reverse Midas touch that seems to turn everything to shit. Seldom has a surname been so apt.

Like the debacle of the election that never was, this fiasco has certain now-familiar characteristics. First and foremost, it’s built on mendacity. We know from multiple sources, for example, that Brown had originally intended, almost unbelievably, not to show up in Lisbon at all. Only serious lobbying from the Commission and the Foreign Office eventually persuaded him to rock up - and even then he could only be fucked to walk in halfway through dessert, angering other European leaders and humiliating the Portuguese. And yet we are now assured it’s all a fuss over nothing. That’s a patent lie, and people can see when they’re being lied to.

Second, and related, it goes to the question of courage. That Gordon Brown is currently in the midst of writing yet another fucking Book About Courage almost beggars belief, so little of it has he shown in recent weeks and months. Like the bottled election, this latest stunt reeks of cowardice – of being unwilling to be seen signing a treaty that he knows is deeply unpopular back home.

At one stage it even looked as if no cameras would record the moment when he put pen to paper, like Tony Blair ensuring that his first handshake with Gerry Adams was completed far away from the news crews. That absurdity was averted, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was seriously considered. Now, I have no objection to a British PM upsetting the Continentals, but at least let's do it for a clear purpose - like telling them to stuff their Constitution so far up their arses that they can feel those stupid little ceremonial ribbons tickling the back of their noses - rather than scuttling in to sign it three hours after the circus has moved on. So to the lies, add cowardice.

Third, it was entirely avoidable. Like the election hokey-cokey, this could all have been resolved quietly and efficiently without anyone except the most zealous of hacks ever raising a fuss. Instead it has become another completely self-inflicted wound; not quite on the epic scale of October, but damaging nonetheless. For a man whose reputation is built on competence, this impression of haplessness is desperately debilitating – even if both the election and the treaty signing are essentially process stories rather than substantive policy matters. A liar, a coward and a fool; not a recipe for success.

Both, finally, were cackhanded attempts to manipulate a situation for political gain and both were executed with risible incompetence. So many years of scheming and plotting, as well as the frequent dodging of political bullets that would have felled lesser beasts, persuaded us all that Brown was a master tactician who could make up for with cunning what he lacked in personality. He evidently came to believe it too. But we were all wrong. It takes a special talent to alienate pro- and anti- EU forces in condemnation, not to mention upsetting our supposed allies for absolutely no reason, but our monocular monarch has managed all this, and been made to look entirely stupid in the process.

I particularly enjoyed this little anecdote from Ben Macintyre in today’s Times on encountering David Miliband at the treaty signing yesterday:

I met him as he hurried off to the “family photograph” with the other government leaders. “Must go,” he said with a grin. “I wouldn’t want to leave an empty space.”

If I did not know how loyal Mr Miliband is to Mr Brown, I would swear he raised an eyebrow.

Exposed to the glare of publicity, Gordon’s wannabe Machiavellianism is no longer the obsession of a few political obsessives, hostile columnists and bloggers, but seeps daily into the public consciousness. As any aging slapper knows, what works in the shadows may not look so appealing in the cold light of day. Manoeuvring in the darkness made him lots of enemies over the years, but he was powerful enough to see them off one by one. This time the enemies are us and there are too many of us to sideline.

As Mr Pike Bishop put it last week in a comment to one of Gordo's last stalwarts, Polly Toynbee; “He’s not the man you thought he was, he’s the man we thought he was”. How very well phrased. We always thought he was a liar and a coward, yes, but I must admit few of us thought he was foolish or serially incompetent. We now see that he is all of these. And as we now hold the reins of patronage, not Gordon, he will - I hope - discover to his cost what happens when, in the immortal words of Walter Sobchak, you fuck someone in the ass.