Wednesday, 31 October 2007

Riding a bike


At first sight, this is merely hilarious, but the more you read the more curious the story becomes:

A man has been placed on the sex offenders’ register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle.

Robert Stewart was discovered in his room by two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland, in October last year.

On Wednesday Mr Stewart admitted to sexual breach of the peace in Ayr Sheriff Court, where depute fiscal Gail Davidson described how he had been found by the hostel workers.

She said: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply. They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Both witnesses, who were extremely shocked, notified the hotel manager, who in turn alerted the police. Mr Stewart was placed on the sex offenders’ register but his sentence was deferred until next month.

The Telegraph's coyness is maddening; for reasons I'm not completely comfortable with, I am very curious to know how the hell you have sex with a bike and the report leaves me none the wiser. (I see that Bryony Gordon had the same question.)

But hang on here. Look past the comical aspect of this tale and get down to specifics. The guy is in his room, alone, and is accidentally discovered using an inanimate object (which presumably belonged to him) for sexual gratification - and he gets put on the fucking sex offenders' register with rapists and child-sodomisers? What? What business is it of the state what he uses to get his rocks off in private?

And the argument that his behaviour was criminal because it was witnessed by cleaners won't fly, either. If you had sex in the street you would get arrested and have little complaint, but what you do in a hotel room is your business. If the cleaner happens to walk in on you and your good lady going at it like the proverbial clappers, she simply mutters an embarassed apology and shuts the door. This guy is on the fucking sex offenders' register.

Genuinely baffled.

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// posted by Mr Eugenides on 31.10.07
Comments:
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# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 31 October 2007 10:17
 
Perhaps the bike was underage...? ;)

But yes, this is indeed a farcical outcome.

# posted by Blogger JuliaM : 31 October 2007 11:25
 
Google "bike porn" when you're not at work and you may get some inspiration.

Of course, the "bike" in the news article may have been a euphemism...

# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 31 October 2007 12:40
 
Should have said he was gay, then the cleaners would have been accused of homophobia and sent away for re-education.

# posted by Anonymous Recusant : 31 October 2007 12:59
 
While "gays" using a public park can get firemen suspended or fired for shining a torch on them ... !

Perhaps the firemen were lucky not to be placed in the sex offenders register ?

Alan Douglas

# posted by Blogger Alan Douglas : 31 October 2007 13:20
 
I completely agree. It's absolutely bizarre. And I don't mean trying to hump a bike.

# posted by Anonymous Sam Duncan : 31 October 2007 15:55
 
One does rather wonder why he didn't just lock the door.

# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 31 October 2007 18:23
 
Was it confirmed whether the bicycle in question was an adult bicycle? I am predisposed to beliving that what a chap does with an adult bicycle, in the privacy of his hotel room should be their business alone. Assuming the bicycle did not object.

I'm not so sure if it were a kiddie bike though. That would be byond the pale!

# posted by Anonymous Rory Meakin : 31 October 2007 19:50
 
To Anon at 6:23pm - it seems the door was locked. The cleaners unlocked after knocking and the guy was still at it. Reading other descriptions of this tale (with, of course, a proper sense of detached enquiry), it appears the supposed point of criminality was that Mr Bike Fancier carried on his good lovin' for some time after he acquired an audience. Even allowing for 'the privacy of one's own room,' it seems to me prudence and decency would have dictated at least a pause until the cleaners had departed but perhaps the bicycle didn't want him to stop.

# posted by Anonymous Rhadamant : 01 November 2007 11:15
 
How is this any different from a cleaner walking in to find a woman using a vibrator? It's exactly the same.

Would that woman be put on the sex offenders' register? I think not.

# posted by Blogger Mr Eugenides : 01 November 2007 13:09
 
For Mr Bike Fancier to have "carried on his good lovin' for some time after he acquired an audience" surely necessitates his audience hanging around for some time also.

Were the cleaners so shocked they lost all bodily function?

# posted by Anonymous Ellipsis : 01 November 2007 14:36
 
Yes, the cleaners could just have turned on their heels and said no more about the bike over-friendliness. But this report suggests he was drunk and disorderly as well. I think any kind of associated suggestion of sexual (mis)behaviour, in addition to a straightforward charge of disorderly conduct, will be enough these days to get you onto the SO Register if you are convicted (and this is leaving aside the background that he was only in the hostel because he had had to move out of his previous abode after a (denied) allegation of sexual misconduct). I get the impression that there is more to this guy and the story than the comedy headlines suggest. The hypothetical woman with the vibrator might well get the same harsh outcome if she supplemented her own private pleasure with disorderly behaviour when discovered.

# posted by Anonymous Rhadamant : 01 November 2007 15:51
 
We have to assume it was a unisex bike really don't we?

# posted by Blogger Shug Niggurath : 04 November 2007 14:38
 
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