Thursday, 30 August 2007
Unnecessary emissions: silent, but violent
Though not what it is now de rigeur to refer to as a "climate change denier", I do have what I hope is a healthy scepticism of politicians and activists who are happy to use the threat of melting icecaps and daily killer hurricanes as an excuse to jack up our taxes and favour extending the reach of the state's gel-covered probes ever deeper into our everyday anuses.
One of the most fatuous examples of this movement is the trend towards "carbon-offsetting" our activities, which allows politicians, rock stars and hand-wringing Guardian readers to apply a thin coat of greenwash to what you or I might consider their laughable hypocrisy in, for example, flying abroad on foreign holidays thrice a year, living in big houses in North London, or driving poncey, fuel-inefficient cars, while at the same time calling for a radical shake-up of the way we live in order to make such eco-unfriendly pleasures taboo for the masses.
Carbon offsetting is a magic bullet to any such charge of hypocrisy; look, they say, we can swan around the globe, buy jars of artichoke hearts flown in all the way from
I'd be fascinated to know, by the way, if someone could put a figure on how many millions - nay, billions - have already been trousered by sharp businessmen in the name of saving the environment. I bet it's a very big number indeed, and it's only going to get bigger. Anyway, thanks to a small item in the new edition of Private Eye (not online), I can now bring you the ne plus ultra of the offsetting craze; with a knowing wink to the absurdity of what they do, these guys are hoping to make a buck same as everyone else. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Fart Neutral™.
Fart Neutral™’s goal is to bring attention to global warming in a unique and humorous way.
We offer a line of gift cards, t-shirts and other items, each of which comes with a certificate for a 1000 lbs. reduction in greenhouse gases. The 1000 lbs. greenhouse gases reduction not only neutralizes a person’s farts for one year, but it also offsets greenhouse gases created in the actual production of the apparel and gift cards.
A purchase from Fart Neutral™ is truly “green from top to bottom.”
Our products make a great gift for that special someone who is notorious for greenhouse gas “production.” Wearing our apparel is a great way to start a conversation about global warming; every article of clothing comes with a free Fart Neutral™ card that fully explains the issues facing the planet. The card is also fun way to get the attention of that cute girl at the bar (we are not responsible for any slaps, tossed drinks or children that result from its use).
The average person experiences flatulence 12-18 times a day, producing up to 30 liters (8 gallons) of Carbon Dioxide (CO2) and methane (CH4) in a year.* While the quantity of greenhouse gases produced by human flatulence is insignificant compared to the emissions from other daily activities, the concept serves as a fun way to continue the discussion about global warming.
Fart Neutral's primary offset provider will be LiveNeutral (http://www.liveneutral.org), a non-profit based in San Francisco, Calif. LiveNeutral.org works in conjunction with the Chicago Climate Exchange(http://www.chicagoclimatex.com), to reduce global warming by funding a wide array of greenhouse gases reduction programs all over the globe.
* Flatulence varies widely from person to person and from day to day.
Further comment would, I feel, be entirely superfluous.
Labels: Humour, We're all doomed...
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The fools! The real potential here is to put a fuel cell up everyone's jacksie. This way, my lentils will power my mobile...
Went out for a beer the other day with a bunch of old farts..
Not entirely sure a tee-shirt would offset them though.
Not entirely sure a tee-shirt would offset them though.
As one of those trousering the millions - although, unfortunately, not yet billions - I would be loath to tell you how much money is being made in the Climate Change Business. It should be sufficient to tell you that offices in St James's and Mayfair do not come cheap, but that we can afford to pay the rent and then some.
Hypocrisy, you say. Probably. But the fruit was ripe for the plucking and we are busy plucking it.
Hypocrisy, you say. Probably. But the fruit was ripe for the plucking and we are busy plucking it.
And would you say you're doing something that may actually benefit humanity, or are you too happy with your millions to care?
'anonymous'
Doing no more, nor less, harm than pretty much any other kind of activity; probably including what you do for a living as well.
Whether I think the science, politics or regulations behind the current Climate Change construct are right or wrong, all sorts of others are trying to do something with it - be that wind farms, carbon trading, agro-forestry projects, etc., etc.(believe me the list is endless) - and they are willing to pay handsomely for advice. That's where I step in.
Doing no more, nor less, harm than pretty much any other kind of activity; probably including what you do for a living as well.
Whether I think the science, politics or regulations behind the current Climate Change construct are right or wrong, all sorts of others are trying to do something with it - be that wind farms, carbon trading, agro-forestry projects, etc., etc.(believe me the list is endless) - and they are willing to pay handsomely for advice. That's where I step in.
And there was me thinking grass needed Carbon Dioxide in order to grow.
What silly old-fashioned notions they gave you at Uni back in the seventies!
What silly old-fashioned notions they gave you at Uni back in the seventies!
What silly old-fashioned notions they gave you at Uni back in the seventies!
It might have helped your understanding a little if you'd read the odd copy of New Scientist since graduation.
It might have helped your understanding a little if you'd read the odd copy of New Scientist since graduation.
I thought you were referring to bottoms.
Anyway, I think this is a fair position to take:
Though not what it is now de rigeur to refer to as a "climate change denier", I do have what I hope is a healthy scepticism of politicians and activists who are happy to use the threat of melting icecaps and daily killer hurricanes as an excuse to jack up our taxes and favour extending the reach of the state's gel-covered probes ever deeper into our everyday anuses.
I am scathing about climate denial idiots but equally the government has cynically hijacked this issue and is talking bollocks.
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Anyway, I think this is a fair position to take:
Though not what it is now de rigeur to refer to as a "climate change denier", I do have what I hope is a healthy scepticism of politicians and activists who are happy to use the threat of melting icecaps and daily killer hurricanes as an excuse to jack up our taxes and favour extending the reach of the state's gel-covered probes ever deeper into our everyday anuses.
I am scathing about climate denial idiots but equally the government has cynically hijacked this issue and is talking bollocks.
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