Friday lunchtime: Up only briefly - I'm going to return to bed, probably. In the meantime, my final thoughts (for now) are here.

5:26am: Given the farcical delays - Linlithgow and Livingston have also now been suspended - the election is going to remain absolutely in the balance, I suspect, until after lunch tomorrow. As it's well after 5am, I'm going to hit the hay.

Final thoughts: the tone of the polls of May 2nd, which suggested a narrowing of the SNP lead, appear to have been broadly accurate. Until the list vote comes in it's impossible to say with any real certainty what's going to happen, but while the SNP vote is up significantly - 9% at time of writing - the Labour vote is down just 2%. The hordes of knuckle-dragging inbreds who keep Scottish Labour in power haven't stayed away in the numbers that many of us had expected [and hoped] and the results have been better than they might have been as a result.

It'll be the SNP's best ever result; but in the circumstances it could, arguably should, have been much better. It's going to be incredibly tight - some pundits have it level pegging (not that you'd know from watching BBC Scotland: the level of psephological analysis has been patchy at best).

As for the others? The Tories appear to have had a decent but not a stellar night, and while the Lib Dems' total share of the vote is currently slightly up, they'll be feeling the squeeze. The minor parties won't get that much of a look-in.

We may not end up with a government; we'll be lucky if we have a parliament by next week. The election has been a farce, pure and simple. Sorry if I'm a stuck record on this, but as the night has gone on it's become more and more embarrassing. Only the Labour representatives on the TV are trying to defend the system, and that tells its own story; they were warned about the problems with postal votes, computerised counting and the clash of electoral systems, and they ignored the warnings, because Scottish Labour were, are and remain, arrogant bastards who are not interested in any other opinions than their own. If the electorate has, in its wisdom, seen fit to return these cunts to office yet again, it will be a dark day for Scotland indeed.

We right-wing bloggers sometimes, in our moments of darker humour, refer to Scotland as a Soviet state. Pretty sure the Soviets never had these ridiculous scenes.

Good night, all.


5:07am: The Tories have taken Roxburgh and Berwickshire from the Lib Dems. Get in! In fact, a majority of 2000 votes. The latter appear to have really been squeezed in the south of the country. Good.

But this may mean, as a knock-on, that even the support of the Lib Dems may not be enough for either of the two main parties to form a coalition. And the Greens are being shafted. It's perfectly possible - assuming that the main parties do not consider coalition with the Tories - that even a Lab-Lib Dem-Green, or SNP-Lib Dem-Green, coalition will still not have a majority of seats.

5:01am: BBC is reporting that Edinburgh Pentlands will announce tonight, but that will be it until tomorrow. It will be suspended until tomorrow. A disgrace.

4:52am: They're still standing about at the Ingliston count for the Edinburgh seats. Who knows, maybe my man at the count spoke too soon. Even if they manage to grind out a couple of results before the dawn, though, it's still a clusterfuck.

4:49am: MacNumpty rounds it up in concise style:

"Computer problems in Edinburgh. And Andy Kerr has not been unseated. I suspect I would get more entertainment by streaking up and down the street. Weather has felled the Western Isles count, and by extension the Highlands and Islands count. Strathkelvin & Bearsden have given up (rightly) and the boat has has held up the Cunninghame North count, so jeopardising the West of Scotland Count. There has been no sign of life from any of the Edinburgh seats, so that's Lothian up the spout. And the lovely screens that monitor the progress of the counting in Tweeddale, Ettrick and Lauderdale are not showing anything.

And even when votes are counted, many are being rejected at unprecedented levels. A disaster."

4:40am: The Edinburgh count is about to be suspended for the night.

4:37am: Tartan Hero reckons that Tommy Sheridan may be out of the Parliament. The proprietors of the Abbeyhill Tanning Salon start counting out the Paracetamol.

4:34am: Dr Smith did indeed do pretty well in Cathcart, as predicted by my mole Dr Hfuhruhurr some five hours ago, but nowhere near Charlie Gordon, who's won it handsomely.

4:29am: All in all, the Tories are going quite well, the SNP likewise - but enough to win a multiplicity of seats? Not necessarily. SNP Tactical Voting has the final result as level pegging. The Labour party may pull this one out of the bag - what a disaster that would be for Scotland.

Contrary to the protestations of the guys that make the counting machines, they're breaking down all over. Bishopbriggs is announcing, as I type this, that their count is being cancelled and will be resumed tomorrow. It is an absolute farce and there will have to be an enquiry.

Pathetic.

4:24am: Wendy Alexander, looking for all the world like Paisley's answer to Segolene Royal, has increased her majority. The SNP weren't expecting to win there, but they have made no inroads.

4:18am: It looks as if the Greens have basically been wiped out. Imagine my distress.

4:16am: Apparently the comely BBC reporter bringing us news of the count in Wishaw is a former Glasgow Labour councillor. I feel physically sick.

Still would, mind you.

4:11am: From my sitemeter, it looks as if quite a few hardy souls are sticking with me. Thanks for doing so. I'm going to have to switch back to coffee. Oh, and Goldie has failed to win in West Renfrewshire. Instead Trish Godman will, er, grace the halls of power for another four years. Mind you, l'Annabelle gave her a fair battle: ate into the lead somewhat.

4:07am: The Nats have taken Kilmarnock and Loudoun with a swing of quite a lot. Margaret Jamieson out of the Parliament. No great loss.

4:02am: National swing to the SNP at the moment is 5.5%. Pretty good, but not the stuff of Alec Salmond's nocturnal emissions. However, the chat is that the SNP's list vote will be strong.

3:59am: The rush of results in the last hour hasn't made things quite as much clearer as you might have thought. It's told us what we knew beforehand; gains for the SNP and losses for the Labour party. The expectation has to be that the Nats will be the largest party, but it is going to be tighter than a nun's snatch in the depths of midwinter.

3:46am: Govan: 'Gnasher' Sturgeon has done it. Gordon "Two Jobs" Jackson, for Labour, looks like someone's shot his mum.

3:40am: Tories hold Galloway and Upper Nithsdale: from a ba'hair last time, they've turned it into a 3333 majority from the SNP. Good for Alex Fergusson.

3:35am: Chaos in Bishopbriggs. The counts all over the country are going awry, largely because of the change in the voting system. You might say that the electorate should fucking better know better, but think about it: we now have a different voting system for council, MSP, MP and MEP elections. Who wouldn't be confused? I had to proof-read my ballot twice to make sure I hadn't voted for the socialists.

3:25am: The SNP have indeed won Stirling. I'm sorry for the Tory candidate, who is a good friend. Better days lie ahead.

3:23am: From the Edinburgh count: "They seem to be counting chunks of all 6 constituencies almost at random. We also seem to be adjudicating on Council results. No one knows what is happening."

3:21am: Jeff at SNP Tactical Voting makes it a five-seat majority for the Nats as things stand. At the moment the swing to the SNP is 6.8% - pretty handsome. But the Labour vote after 17 results is down just 3.4%, so the brutal gang-rape of their MSPs that I'd prayed for doesn't - quite - seem to be happening.

3:11am: A source close to the Edinburgh Central Lib Dems tells me it's too close to call there. The seat is held by Labour's Sarah Boyack, but the Lib Dems have been pushing really hard here, thrusting leaflet after leaflet through my door. It would be a coup if they could win.

I also hear that the Edinburgh count is chaos: machines breaking down, and everything fucked, frankly. If you're wondering why there are no results from the capital, that may be a reason why.

And you still trust these clowns to set up and run a compulsory national ID card system?

3:07am: Gordon declares: Salmond victorious by 2000-odd votes. He's taken the seat from third place. The gamble paid off for the grinning bastard.

3:04am: Tricia Marwick's victory in Central Fife is a great result - the first SNP win ever in Fife, apparently - and she lays into sharp practices in her speech: "an affront to democracy", she says. Apparently anti-SNP leaflets or newspapers were lying around in polling stations. I've also heard a similar allegation from Glasgow. Labour breaking the rules? You surprise me...

2:58am: The national picture is still a bit unclear. The swing to the SNP is pretty considerable, but the Labour vote is holding up better than expected in some places. By 4am, things will be a lot clearer - if any of the machines work.

2:48am: Poor old Jamie Hepburn looks like he's been punched in the face. Cumbernauld was a real target for the SNP; one would imagine that if there were a Nationalist landslide in the offing he'd have won.

2:39am: Dumfries: Tories needed a 1.7% swing to win the seat off Labour. They've not done so: the Labour vote, share of the vote and majority is up. That's a really good result for Labour. The cunts' vote is holding up better than many had expected in some seats - though, mind you, the SNP had no chance of winning. The Tories are down 4% there.

1006 spoilt papers, the vast majority for "unclear markings" - read, people putting numbers instead of crosses. A farce.

2:35am: My old Uni acquaintance Jamie Hepburn has failed to win Cumbernauld, where he was just 520 votes behind on the 2003 result (gained by Andy Wilson, rather than him, mind you). In fact Labour's majority has quadrupled. That's a very disappointing result indeed for them. The Labour vote is being squeezed, thank Christ, but it may not be collapsing.

2:32am: Margaret Curran is one of the worst people on Earth. The good people of Bailleston have re-elected her to the Parly, and they can burn in the fires of Hell for it.

She's whimpering about intimidation in her acceptance speech. If I had my way, she'd be at the bottom of the Clyde by now. Patronising horror.

2:28am: Iain Dale has knocked off for the night. Liam Murray has been in bed for a couple of hours now. Your scribe is switching to gin, and flying. Not going anywhere...

2:24am: BBC appear to confirm what we suggested about 45 minutes ago: Salmond looks to have won Gordon.

2:19am: Alex Massie:

"Some Labour lassie on Radio Scotland is complaining that it's unfair for the SNP to campaign on local issues such as, in the Airdrie case, the battle to "save" Monklands Hospital (though given the health and lifestyle of the people in that part of Lanarkshire it's unclear how much good a hospital can do there. A rigorous cost-benefit analysis might recommend withdrawing all healthcare services from Lanarkshire.)"

2:13am: There are elections in England? David Dimbleby could have been beaten senseless by a mob of coked-up neds, and I wouldn't give a shit.

Moderate gains for Labour and the Tories, anyway, while the Libs and the minor parties are being squeezed - the exact opposite of what many pundits were predicting.

2:06am: The big story here is turning into the chaos surrounding the count: the number of spoilt ballots in some constituencies is up to 7%, probably because people have been asked to vote for Parliamentary candidates with an "X" and for Council candidates with a 1-2-3.

There are also issues with the counting machines: in East Kilbride, all the votes are having to be rescanned. In Glenrothes, the count seems simply to have stopped. It's a fucking farce - and was widely predicted; but the Scotland Office (proprietor: D. Alexander) insisted.

At this rate, the SNP won't have to form a coalition with the Lib Dems: they can team up with the None Of The Aboves.

2:01am: Further update from Stirling; looks like the SNP may have come from third to take the seat from Labour. Disappointment for the Tories, but a great result for the SNP if that's borne out, because it would mean a swing of at least 8.5%.

1:56am: I can only guess at the tensile strength of the thread securing the single button that is holding the front of Karen Whitefield's jacket in place. The re-elected Airdrie and Shotts Labour MSP, whose majority has been slashed on a massive 15.2% swing to the SNP, looks exactly like a big black and white beachball, and she sounds as if she might be mildly retarded. Welcome to the world of Lanarkshire Labour.

1:53am: Yul Brynner holds Romanworld East.

1:52am: The counting machines and scanners are breaking down all over the country. It's turning into fucking Westworld up here.

1:48am: Down south, NHS informs me that our outgoing First Minister has been referred to by Dimbleby as "Jack McDonnell" and by Nick Robinson as "John McConnell". "They really don't give a shit about Scotland", he says, and he's right.

1:42am: BBC Scotland's girl in Wishaw is gamely trying to interview some old coot who's retiring from the council, but he's a wee bit deaf, and it's not great television.

She's rather cute, though, isn't she? Very comely, in fact. Unfortunately, we're now cutting away to the Anniesland result, so I'm not even going to have time to crack one off.

1:40am: Salmond has nosed ahead in Gordon, according to Dr Hfuhruhurr. Damn. In fact, he's just texted me to say he's probably won.

1:38am: Sam Duncan in the comments:

"I'm beginning to think there should be a rule that an election with a turnout of less than 50% is void. Kelvin has an electorate of about 55,000 and this McNeill gets to draw her hundred grand or so from the taxpayers for the next four years on the say-so of 7900 of them? Bollocks to that."

Amen, brother.

1:34am: Annabel Goldie's just basically admitted that she hasn't a fucking clue what's going on anywhere else in the country. Bill Aitken could have been beaten senseless [sic] by a mob of coked-up neds, and you get the distinct impression that she wouldn't give a shit.

1:30am: East Kilbride; 5 and a bit thousand majority for our pie- and pint-loving Health Minister, Andy Kerr. If the SNP take this, we really have an election on. Looks like a result is coming soon.

1:26am: There's an unconfirmed report that Galloway and Upper Nithsdale, which sees the Tories defending the seat from the SNP with a wafer-thin majority of - I think - 109, has stayed blue. It's the SNP's no 1 target, so that would be a disappointment if true. For them, anyway. Me, I'd be delighted.

1:24am: Tartan Hero suggests that "Gnasher" Sturgeon is about to be declared the winner in Govan. Third time lucky. I could tell you why they call her Gnasher, but it's a bit rude.

1:18am: Again, a low turnout - 48.8% in Dundee West. So much for the good weather bringing people out.

1:17am: I wonder if I'm more pissed than Charlie Kennedy?

1:13am: SNP win Dundee West. A good result for them; I think Dundee is now all SNP. A Labour majority of just over 1000 has become an SNP majority of just under 2000.

1:11am: Henry McLeish is of course a copper-plated idiot, but he makes two good points on the TV: turnout isn't up very much on 2003, and the number of spoilt papers is absolutely astonishing. They've run the council elections alongside the national vote, and on a totally different electoral system (PR): the result has been chaos, predictably enough.

1:04am: Dr Hfuhruhurr has information from Gordon that Salmond is neck and neck there. Don't know where he's getting that from. He was right about Glasgow Kelvin, though; the Greens were indeed third, as you heard here first. Labour hold, but the SNP have squeezed them hard here too.

Pauline McNeil is a fucking trollope, though. Shouting twit.

12:53am: McConnell's being interviewed on BBC Scotland now: he doesn't look confident. That's probably the look he had on his face when his wife read in the papers that he'd been banging someone else. God, I'd have loved to have been there to see that.

"I think we won the debate in this campaign". Mwahahahahahaha!

12:49am: The impression, related earlier, that the independent hospital campaigner was doing well in Glasgow Cathcart seems to be confirmed by worries from the Tory candidate there that he's leeching votes from her. She's not going to win anyway, but it'll be interesting to see what happens; it's a pretty safe Labour seat.

12:40am: The boat bringing ballot boxes from the isle of Arran (McConnell's birthplace) is "in difficulties" and is going to require rescuing. How very appropriate.

12:38am: 6.9% swing to the SNP in that result.

12:36am: Fuck me, Jack McConnell is a waste of space. What a dull, uninspiring acceptance speech. This is why you will, pray God, lose your job, you adulterous, pointless clown.

He doesn't sound confident at all. "This is a great constituency". Not what you said last week when you called Motherwell a pigsty, you dolt.

12:35am: OK, here comes the first result: Motherwell and Wishaw. The pug-faced moron that has hitherto run the country is the Labour candidate here. He's back in, of course, but his majority has been cut by about 3 and a half thousand.

12:25am: Radio Scotland have Annabel Goldie ahead in West Renfrewshire. Our Lady of the Doilies, much maligned (and rightly so) has had a good campaign: it would be a terrific result if she can come from third to boot out the egregious Trish Godman, of Labour.

12:16am: Dr Hfuhruhurr reports that the Greens have come third in Glasgow Kelvin - presumably beating the Lib Dems and Tories to do so.

12:14am: Henry McLeish on the BBC: "I think Scotland deserves a more European debate". What? Are you getting paid for this shit, Henry? And, if so, will you declare it? Eh? Eh?

12:12am: According to Will Patterson, Radio Scotland are reporting that the SNP are well ahead in Kilmarnock and Loudon, where they require a swing of just under 2% to win.

12:05am: Bill Cameron has just got sunburn from Tommy Sheridan's glowing orange appearance on the telly. No, nothing's happening yet.

12:02am: I like these calm little moments before the storm. It reminds me of Beethoven.

11:53pm: Stirling is Michael Forsyth's old [Westminster] seat, and the Tories are trying desperately to take it "back". They require a swing of just under 5% to capture it from Labour.

My man inside the Stirling Tory campaign says - and this is hard information, by the way - that the Tories were ahead on the postal vote, with the SNP pushing Labour into third. With half the ballots now counted, the SNP are in pole position - just - with the Tories second and Labour still third. The remaining votes are, they think, from more rural areas of the constituency, which tend to be more Tory. It's going to be tight.

11:41pm: Suggestions on the BBC that Motherwell and Wishaw (Jack McConnell's seat) is heading for a result fairly soon. Maybe these fancy electronic machines can read Labour votes faster than others.

11:37pm: Oh, merciful Lord, there's Macallan in the kitchen. Never mind. As you were.

11:36pm: Dear Christ in Heaven, I'm out of Highland Park!

11:32pm: There are no exit polls, according to commenters and Dr Hfuhruhurr alike, for a very simple reason: they're incredibly expensive.

11:28pm: Matt Wardman informs me that I am apparently being referred to on 18 Doughty Street as "Mr Eugenicide". It's "Yoo - gen - id - ees", guys. "Mr Eugenicide" would be a different kind of blog altogether.

Having said that, though, if there were a race of Jack McConnells, I'd be a proponent of genocide.

11:23pm: Maybe I'm being slow, but, as Alex Massie asks, why are there no exit polls? Am I missing something?

11:20pm: I look at David Mundell and wonder why the fuck I'm a Tory. I've seen 11 year-olds who can debate more convincingly.

11:15pm: Dr Hfuhruhurr is suggesting that the anti-Labour hospital campaigner in Glasgow Cathcart, independent candidate David Smith, is thought to have performed strongly. Another spy out and about in the same constituency a bit earlier suggests that local hacks were surmising that the turnout may not have been quite as high as expected.

That's Labour MSP and former Glasgow City Council hack Charlie Gordon's seat. Who? Exactly.

11:11pm: Betfair: SNP in to 1.35, Labour out at 3.35. Quite long odds, I'd suggest.

11:09: Brian Taylor, the BBC's political editor, resembles Boris Yeltsin more and more by the day. He's now nearly totally spherical, and he talks balls, too.

11:07: Dr Hfuhruhurr, my tame number-cruncher, reckons Livingston will fall. I should state that I have no idea what makes him say that. I think he's just got a really, really big computer.

11:03pm: The lovely Ruth Davidson is suggesting on Radio Scotland that Motherwell and Wishaw may report as early as half eleven. That's Jack McConnell's seat - recently described as a "pigsty" by, er, Jack McConnell.

11pm: While we're waiting for anything to, you know, happen, it's worth keeping a weather eye on the count from Gordon, which is Alex Salmond's target seat. Let it never be said that Alec isn't a gambler: the SNP are currently third here, behind Lib Dems and the Tories, and he requires a swing of 7.75%. There's a scenario where, depending on who beats him to the seat, the SNP are the largest party in the new parliament, and Eck doesn't get in.

Which would be fucking hilarious.

10:52pm: You think I'm padding? You should hear Radio Scotland.

10:47pm: Brian Taylor reporting turnout in the low 60's on Newsnight, apparently: I haven't been watching. God, this is top blogging.

10:37pm: An SNP informer tells me that they reckon the Western Isles are in the bag, Livingston is looking very close (14th target seat for the SNP, I think) and there's a big swing in Hamilton South, which is Tom McCabe's seat.

You can find more info on each seat, by the way, via the sidebar on the right - the BBC and the Weber Shandwick site have detailed analysis of each constituency.

10:25pm: The count from the Western Isles won't be complete until noon tomorrow, apparently, thanks to that broken helicopter I was telling you about. They're taking the ballots to Stornoway by boat. I shit you not. This matters, too: the SNP need a 2.9% swing to win this seat from Labour. Depending on how things go elsewhere, this could delay a final reckoning considerably. Time for a Highland Park, methinks.

10:20pm: After the long phony war, it's time to make a momentous decision. This is a choice that could shape the future in a profound manner.

Do I blog with a pot of coffee or a bottle of booze?

10:18pm: Apparently a helicopter in the Western Isles that is supposed to carry ballot boxes to the count has broken down. Shame it didn't crash when McConnell was on it.

10:04pm: State of the parties in the last parliament was as follows:

Labour 50
SNP 27
Tories 18
Liberal Democrats 17
Greens 7
SSP (Scottish Socialists) 6
Independents 3
Others 1

10:00pm: Greetings one and all. It's been a clear, crisp spring day in Scotland, and most anecdotal evidence tends to suggest that turnout has been brisk, though I've heard a report from Stirling that casts doubt on that. However, we should get some indications on that very soon now.

The blog will be updated regularly throughout the night, or at least until I collapse in a heap. Conscious that quite a few people will be visiting from outside "the best small country in the world", I'll try to provide as much background as I can during the night, and as I noted yesterday, I have a real live political scientist on the other end of the phone who may be persuaded to throw the odd titbit our way - let's call him Dr Hfuhruhurr - but if you're looking for unbiased, detailed psephological analysis, you're in the wrong place, frankly.

I'll try to find a moment to rejig the sidebar to provide links to other sites of interest, including other Scots liveblogging in their own style or fashion. (The first results aren't expected till midnight at the earliest, so obviously I'll be conserving my energy in the early stages of the contest, Kris Boyd-style.)

I'd welcome any information, predictions, hunches or observations, no matter how anecdotal or ill-sourced; contributions in the comments, by email to mreugenides@hotmail.co.uk or even via MSN message to the same address.